How the fuck do i get them to stay in my ear.

Whoa, chill. First of all try telling us what kind of earphones you have (shure, etymotics, etc.). If they are just standard in ear headphones, (ear canal?) then you just have to shove em' in there.

Make sure you hve the right size on it. Work it in.

If your english : Cellotape on your whole ear will hold them in place.
If your american : Scotch tape on your whole ear will hold them in place.

Lol Nw